Jonny, Jonny Walker

I promised in my last post I'd write more about Jonny, and less about my own grief, for those who knew and loved him. But in the writing process, the feelings and sadness have come to the surface and I feel myself needing to write again. The day I wrote I felt relief from the writing and for finally finding an outlet for all my thoughts, but then the day after I got such a low. I can only think it's because it brought so many buried feelings to the fore. 

Jonny, dear Jonny. I still can't believe he's gone. What a cliche. The words used by so many to try and convey such disbelief in the face of losing someone you love. But there's truth in cliches. That's why they exist. Some days I just feel so much sadder because my mind starts to grapple with the idea that he's not here. On the days when I don't feel the sadness it's because I just believe he is. On this side of Heaven, anyway. Rather than our real home where we're all called to be. 

So .... Jonny. Who was he, to me? Jonny was always loveable, infuriating, inspiring, non-stop, open, loving, kind, huge-hearted, funny, intelligent, perceptive, vulnerable, honest... always on your side. He was unique, not in the way that we are all unique, as we all are, but someone whose character, voice and gestures were so vivid and distinct, it was like he had been drawn in bright colours where the rest of us are sketched in black and white, and still being , kind of, formed, still being coloured in. But words fall short of what I want to express, as they often do in these circumstances.

The first time I met Jonny he invited Melanie and me back to his flat in Hyde Park and we talked about everything under the sun, pretty much. The sparks and debates flew between us all, slowly at first and then gathering momentum, as we chatted and chatted (and probably argued) in our newly-forming little Triangle of Friendship. And I do remember, not long after, as we became real friends,  feeling very quickly that Jonny was someone I'd known all my life, and someone I'd been meant to know. There are some people who God brings into your life and you just know they are there for the longterm and for a Very Good Reason, not just a brief interlude or for a bit of fun and light entertainment. Jonny certainly fell into the category of 'IMPORTANT FRIEND' within a matter of weeks. He did for many people, in fact.  

Anyway, back on that first day, he got straight to religion (picking up on Melanie's use of the word 'Providential' over 'Serendipitous') and I think there was very little small talk, if any. He later sent us a text to say how much he enjoyed the company of like-minded people and made us feel that he wanted to be friends. I wasn't used to that and we all quickly became friends, in a way that only Jonny could manage so easily. He had a special talent for that. And then he quickly befriended my friends (and their friends!) and we soon all came to know the wonderful person that was Jonny. And those of my friends who met him but never really got to know him (like at the various themed fancy dress parties) certainly didn't forget him. Jonny was not one to merge into the background!

I think Jonny was possibly the most honest person I ever met. It was astonishing, at times, how direct he could be. But I never really resented it. And over the years I came to find it refreshing and appreciated it, relied on it even. Where other people might tiptoe around the truth with me, Jonny went straight in. He had me quite sussed out, knowing my insecurities, my 'baggage', my self-delusions. It was really something to have a friend who cared about you so much they didn't 'pull any punches', as the Americans say, because they always wanted you to grow and be better. If Jonny felt something was holding me back he just told me. It was always kindly-intended and so that made all the difference. I will miss that sorely. 

Jonny was also the closest male friend I've ever had, who felt so close he could be like a cousin I'd grown up with, I suppose. He once said he regarded me as an 'annoying younger sister type' when I apologised to him for the fact I was always so bossy. I take that as a compliment now, Jonny boy. I miss you so. 

More later. There is much more to write.